The Waiting Game

It’s the early hours of Sunday 14th February 2010 and I’m sitting in bed writing this on my brand new netbook that Dan bought me as a present to say well done for carrying the baby and well done in advance for bringing the baby into the world.

Ok, so I was in bed but the tapping woke Dan up so I’m now downstairs. Anyway… today is the big D day, the due date, the date that all other pregnancy related dates have been counted from/to. And yet there’s no signs that the baby is planning on arriving anytime soon. No shows, very few (if any really) Braxton hicks, not a whole lot of cramping or anything else like that. And I don’t mind – I’m still quite happy being pregnant. I’ve been really lucky throughout the pregnancy really – apart from particularly yucky nausea at the beginning and when I was working (it also came back in January after Christmas when I was at work) I’ve had a textbook pregnancy with no additional issues to worry about – no massive weight gain, no SPD or sciatica, full movement and mobility, nothing wrong with the baby…

And yet, the midwives have been saying stuff recently which makes me think I’m running out of time for this baby to rock up naturally. I’m exactly 40 weeks today according to due date and so on Wednesday, when I’ll be 40+3 I’m off to the midwife for a sweep. Normally they’d wait longer, but owing to my height and the fact that the baby’s head isn’t engaged, they think there is some possibility that the head might be too big to fit into my pelvis, or that the baby will get too big if I go a full two weeks overdue for a natural birth. Depending on what the midwife observes when she does my sweep I might be sent to the hospital for a scan to see exactly how big the baby is and what the deal is. The end result has every possibility of being a caesarean… hence feeling like time is running out.

I don’t really want to have a caesarean and yet at the same time I just want my baby and me to go through the birth process (whatever route) safely and to end up with both of us healthy and happy. There are a lot of cons (the way I’m looking at it) to a caesarean and so whilst from day one I tried not to make plans, not to have a birth plan, I have to be honest and say it’s not something I considered for very long as I never thought it would be something I’d have to think about.

I want to successfully breastfeed the little one and sometimes skin to skin and close contact after a caesarean birth doesn’t really happen or has to be delayed. This was pretty much one of the only things I wanted. I guess I’m just in the waiting game now. Unless the baby does kick things into gear before Wednesday I know I’m waiting until then to see what the deal is with it’s little (or not so little!) head.

At the end of the day, I need to wait. There’s nothing I can do to make the baby come any faster. I’ve been told sex and lots of it is the only real way to attempt to bring things on but even still I guess I don’t really have any high hopes that this baby will come as a result of any bedroom antics!

The verse that comes to mind in the stillness of the early morning is “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Sometimes being still when you’re waiting is hard. Right now, I would happily be asleep but my body and the baby have other ideas. So how does one actively ‘be still’?

I guess by not fretting, not obsessing, not trying to take things into your own hands, but by trusting, talking to God, being quiet, letting Him speak rather than making so much noise you can’t hear His “gentle whisper” (1 Kings 19:12)

Be still for the presence of the Lord
The Holy One is here
Come bow before Him now
With reverence and fear

In Him no sin is found
We stand on holy ground
Be still for the presence of the Lord
The Holy One is here

Be still for the glory of the Lord
Is shining all around
He burns with holy fire
With splendour He is crowned

How awesome is the sight
Our radiant King of Light
Be still for the glory of the Lord
Is shining all around

Be still for the power of the Lord
Is moving in this place
He comes to cleanse and heal
To minister His grace
No work too hard for Him
In faith receive from Him
Be still for the power of the Lord
Is moving in this place

Lord I want to receive from you, in faith, my little baby! Despite how the baby is or isn’t lying, is or isn’t engaged, is or isn’t a fatty… no work is too hard for you. God, if it is safe, please bring my baby along naturally before Wednesday. And if not Lord, then help me over this next week to be still and know You are God, You are in charge, You have this sussed and sorted.

This has been a long waiting game… from the very initial prayer Dan and I prayed about ‘not preventing’ having a baby anymore to falling pregnant, each trimester, and now the final week or so… soon I will meet our child. We will have a son or a daughter to love, cherish, nurture, and teach of Jesus.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
(Proverbs 22:6 ESV)

Lord, may our child know you, love you and live for you. We can train and teach and point to you, but capturing his/her heart is not something we can make happen.

Only you can. And so in the meantime, I will be still and wait.

Things as yet unseen

So... we’ve just had a brand new dishwasher stolen from our locked garage. That sucks. Especially when you’re 12 days from your due date, emotionally and hormonally unstable, tired... and feeling like you’ve already had your share of things going wrong with extra expense in getting the bathroom finished, a cement mixer being stolen from your garden... etc. etc!

And yet... things like this force you to think about what is really important. Gutted that the dishwasher Dan’s parents had so generously given us for Christmas is gone – but we managed without and we will continue to manage without. Sad for them too though. Generally, it’s a pretty horrible thing when someone invades your space and steals something that is yours.

However, after allowing myself a good hour to phone the police and then have a good cry, the thing that came to mind was to focus on things as yet unseen. What do we normally spend our time thinking about? I’m guessing normally it’s “us” and how we feel, when we’re wronged... We’re not supposed to dwell on things that are not of God, but of things that are godly, righteous, good. Dwelling on the rubbish stuff that happens only serves to increase my ego of how everything in my life should be about me being happy and me being the centre. But instead, we’re to focus on things greater than ourselves...

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:8

Yes I’m disappointed and yes I’m frustrated... but to dwell on what has happened isn’t going to get me anywhere. I feel vulnerable and pretty much like a jar of clay... fragile and with the potential to break... but I know that I am more than just an empty jar... I have the treasure inside.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16-18

Sometimes life does press you pretty darn hard. Sometimes you do feel crushed, sometimes you are perplexed... but don’t lose heart – we are being renewed. I am being renewed...

I am choosing not to fix my eyes on the dodgy garage, dodgy area, dodgy people that have chosen to barge their way into my life... instead I am going to fix my eyes on what is unseen. My life is about more than me.

New year... new beginnings...

It's 2010. I feel like it's time to start blogging again. I guess now that I'm on maternity leave it's a good way of getting thoughts, emotions and musings out and into a place where I'll be able to look back on in time to come.

It's 2010. I only blogged once last year, not at all in 2008 and 5 times in 2007... not exactly a regular blogger. I guess it's partly because I still keep my handwritten journal, but also because being a grown-up (full time work and not a student) and being married has meant time for sitting down and writing the ramblings in my head is not the highest priority.

It's 2010. I will have a baby this year. The little family unit that is currently Dan and me will become three and we will have a son or a daughter. It is such an odd concept. We'll be parents. We'll be responsible for the upbringing and development of a tiny human being. A little person that will be dependent on us.

It's 2010. I have so many hopes and fears. Hopes for me, hopes for Dan, hopes for the baby. I hope that this year will be a year I'll look back on in future years as one where my relationship with Jesus went to the next level. One where I matured in my faith. One where I grow and become wiser, kinder, more compassionate, more patient, less selfish, more loving, more joyful, more self-controlled, more gentle, less judgemental... generally one where I have a greater abundance of the fruits of the spirit in my life.

It's 2010. Dan has started his new job. He now works in the not-for-profit charity sector. He's working as the Vehicle For Change (V4C) Project Leader for West Kent YMCA. His job is all about working as a detached youth worker... it's about transformation, it's about change, it's about growth... things that I want for us, for me, for him, for the baby.

It's 2010. I don't know what the future holds. Financially I don't know what I will do when the statutory maternity pay runs out. I don't even know if it'll be enough to pay the mortgage and bills whilst I'm not working. I don't know what job I will do. I don't know how being a mummy will affect my outlook on life...

It's 2010. A new year with new beginnings...

It's 2010. A new decade...

It's 2010. And it's not mine to plan.

Jesus, help me surrender my hopes, fears, dreams and the unknowns to you on a daily basis. Help me not to become overwhelmed by the things outside of my control but see the challenges as an opportunity to get to know you and your faithfulness more. Jesus, I don't know what is to come, but I know you do. Help me trust you.

Father, may you do something in 2010, that, like Habakkuk will leave me "utterly amazed". Would you do something in my days that I will not believe, even if you told me about it... will you make 2010 a year of miracle, a year of blessing, a year of growth, a year of revelation.

Lord, I want 2010 to be the year where I have the 'ruach' experiences... Come Lord Jesus.

It's 2010.

Testimony.

Tuesday 22nd September:

I've been feeling particularly emotional recently - and whilst I know it is all pregnancy hormones flying around, feeling down and weepy takes its toll. As such, this lunch time I decided I needed to get away from my desk and have some time out. My plan was to go and buy a magazine, some comfort food (!) and sit away from people and just away.

As I was walking towards the newsagents, I walked past St Helen's Bishopsgate and remembered that it's Tuesday, so they have a lunchtime service (a hymn and 25 minute talk) starting at 1.00pm. It was five to one.

A thought popped into my head that rather than buy a rubbishy magazine I should go to the service. I didn't really want to. I didn't want to talk to people. However, the next thought that popped into my head was the podcast I'd listened to on the train this morning (first time I'd listened to anything on my ipod in a good 2-3 months) about God being our guide and how often we don't recognise that the thought in our minds is actually God speaking. I then remembered Simon's talk about the Holy Spirit from Sunday and was convinced this was a Spirit prompting.

Once I'd discovered that this was a Spirit-God in action-suggestion I still had a choice whether to turn around and go and get a magazine or go to the service. I still didn't want to go to the service, but felt that I had a choice to obey the process of thoughts that had popped into my mind or disobey.

So I went.

The hymn was one I'd never heard of, the words are below. I could've burst into tears (not forgetting my emotional, weepy state currently) there and then. I didn't, thankfully. But instead I stayed and the talk was the first in a new series called "The manifesto for change" and was all about happiness - the logic of happiness, the profile of the happy and the experience of the happiness - based on the beattitudes and Luke 6:16-26.

The combination of that along with the words of the hymn reminded me in the midst of the city of London that I'm not alone, Jesus cares about my pregnancy hormones, and I am blessed because I am poor.

Thought I'd share. Words of the song are below:

I have a shelter in the storm,
when troubles pour upon me.
Though fears are rising like a flood,
my soul can rest securely.
O Jesus, I will hide in you,
my place of peace and solace.
No trial is deeper than your love
that comforts all my sorrows.

I have a shelter in the storm,
when all my sins accuse me.
Though justice charges me with guilt,
your grace will not refuse me.
O Jesus, I will hide in you,
who bore my condemnation.
I find my refuge in your wounds,
for there I find salvation.

I have a shelter in the storm,
when constant winds would break me.
For in my weakness I have learned
your strength will not forsake me.
O Jesus, I will hide in you,
the one who bears my burdens.
With faithful hands that cannot fail,
you'll bring me home to Heaven.

Speed

We live in such an instantaneous world. The speed at which we live life is incredible. Even now, I'm sitting in a bar waiting for a friend and writing this blog from my blackberry (which is a whole new concept to me in its own right).

Whilst we live life wanting and expecting instant gratification are we actually missing out? Have we forgotten as a generation how to be patient, how to plan for things, how to save for things, how to relish the moment?

We're told to "Be still and know that I am God.". Does this mean we cannot truly know God unless we are still? Is it only when we stop that we can meet with, and know, God? And if this is the case - how do we extract ourselves from the frenetic pace of life to "be still"?

Decisions.

At the moment I have some big decisions to be making. About 15 hours ago it was far more simple. I just had to keep going along the same track, wait for the outcome to the situation and that was that. Then I received an e-mail that threw another option into the equation. A completley different, but equally viable option... and now I'm left in the middle not knowing what to do.

I don't think for one minute this is ironic - especially on the back of this weekend where I realised I'd been relying on my parents for advice a little too much. Don't get me wrong - I feel so blessed to have wise godly parents... the problem happens when you start going to them for advice and affirmation before going to God. And that is what I'd been doing.

So now I'm back to this situation and I was stressing about making a decision... until I realised that actually I don't need to make any decisions right now. Owing to the overlapping nature of deadlines and time, I can carry on pursuing what I was pursuing in the same vain, see what happens with that and then, if needs be, check out the other options.

It made me realise how prone I am to immediately 'running away' with something. How I can so easily make something a tragedy or an ecstasy. So often I'm thinking 'what should I do?' 'how will I get through this?' etc... When will I learn to stop making life about 'me'??? The questions I should be asking when making decisions are 'What can God do with this?' 'How will this bless others?' 'What would Jesus do?'

Sometimes Jesus would say, 'you know what? it doesn't matter, you can choose' and sometimes he'll give a very clear, definite answer. But either way, I pray God will take away the 'me' perspective and give me His, I pray God will direct my pathways regardless of whether I'm asking the right questions.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Let my decisions honour you Jesus.

Two months and counting...

How is that suddenly, there is only two months to go to the wedding?!
And there is still SO much to do.

I'm supposed to be the organised one.



Oh dear.